The Chronicles of Twitter - Part II: THE GREATEST STORY EVER TWEETED

Even after being on the Twitter bandwagon for a few months and after seeing it put to hilarious lengths (seriously- @SteveMartinToGo, its just brilliant), I would say I still had a few doubts about this strange "not quite Facebook" thing. That is, until this past Thanksgiving, where Twitter became about so much more than what @JuddApatow was up to...

It became a conduit for a harrowing tale of trauma and survival, of search and rescue, or LIFE AND DEATH!!!

Thanksgiving night...just like any other...well, much colder than any other...like, 20s I think...anyway, I was enjoying a post-gluttony cigar (which was kinda a continuation of the gluttony, but whatever) on the screened-in-porch back in good ole' Glen Ellyn when my longtime neighbor, friend, and ultra-conservative advocate JOHN DIETZLER came hurriedly into the backyard - Bob's new dog Bootlegger (nicknamed BOOTY) had escaped from their backyard and was on the loose! 

That kicked off a feverish neighborhood search to track down this dog that was lost in the strange wilderness of suburbia. Despite the exhaustive effort by all available, Booty was not found that night. It was scary, because of the cold we did not know if Booty would be okay. I had to go back to the city, unsure if Booty would ever be found..

Little did I know that the real story was just beginning. Michelle - Bob and John's sister and organic beef entrepreneur extraordinaire - was Tweeting in hopes of tracking down Booty: the 2010 version of putting up fliers on telephone poles.

As I went through my regular routine of writing, bar-hopping, and general Chicagoing, I kept a close eye on my Twitter feed, which chronicled the trials and tribulations of the Dietzler family in their continuing search for Bootlegger the Dog. 

I would like to present Michelle's Tweets, in their entirety, to preserve the visceral experience of what happened....

@DietzlerFarms Michelle Dietzler

Alert! Bootie- our German Shorthaired Pointer- ran away tonight from my parent's house in Glen Ellyn. Have you seen her? we are so sad...

25 Nov via web

@DietzlerFarms Michelle Dietzler

Please help us find our farm dog Booty. She is lost in Glen Ellyn and was recently spotted by Lincoln School.... please. triblocal.com/glen-ellyn/201…

26 Nov via Tweet Button

@DietzlerFarms Michelle Dietzler

Thanks @triblocaljenn for this article about Booty triblocal.com/glen-ellyn/201…We really miss her...

26 Nov via Tweet Button 

@DietzlerFarms  Michelle Dietzler

Thanks to everyone who has shown support for our missing farm pup Booty. She is lost in Glen Ellyn and we hope to find her soon...

26 Nov via web

@DietzlerFarms Michelle Dietzler

We have an update at Booty: Someone saw her on the prairie path in Glen Ellyn. If you go out for a jog or bike ride today, pls look for her!

27 Nov

@DietzlerFarms  Michelle Dietzler

We are still looking in Glen Ellyn for Booty, my brother's beloved sidekick. We really hope we find her and can take her back to the farm...

27 Nov

@DietzlerFarms  Michelle Dietzler

Our dog Booty is still missing in Glen Ellyn. She is cold and hungry. Please call us if you see her 630.***.**** or call the police.

27 Nov

@DietzlerFarms Michelle Dietzler

This is a link to a photo of our missing dog Booty and some info on her: triblocal.com/glen-ellyn/201…

28 Nov 

@DietzlerFarms  Michelle Dietzler

This is a pic of our missing farm dog Booty... http://twitpic.com/3b2dgt

28 Nov

@DietzlerFarms  Michelle Dietzler

Good news! We have spotted Booty! She is scared and running around under 355 between 53 and St. Charles Road. Hunting the hunting dog!

28 Nov

@DietzlerFarms  Michelle Dietzler

Booty is back with Bob now and happy to have food and her comfy bed again. Thanks for everyone's help getting the word out! We are so happy!

29 Nov

@DietzlerFarms Michelle Dietzler

Now that Booty is home, we can finally all sleep and eat... this whole episode has been physically and emotionally exhausting!

29 Nov

@DietzlerFarms Michelle Dietzler

Bob and Booty- happily reunited! http://twitpic.com/3bejjo

29 Nov

Wow.

I don't know a film released in 2010 that can offer a ride like that... plus deliver each story beat in less than 140 characters.

I mean, this is Screenwriting 101.... you've got a sympathetic "lost child" archetype in Booty. There's the strong, silent tough guy with a heart of gold in Bob. We have a likable, engaging protagonist with @DietzlerFarms-- who can imagine this tale being told through anyone but her Tweets?

There's a community rallying together, excitement, disappointment, resolve...

And a happy, crowd-pleasing ending that's as Capra-esque as you can get. 

In fact, if Frank actually wrote this you'd call it too sentimental! I mean, Booty actually went missing on Thanksgiving night. Can't you just imagine her frozen little snout puffing on a window, watching a warm and happy family picking at turkey leftovers?

So, yes: Twitter may mostly be an overflowing swamp of sarcasm, ultra-irony and self-loathing/self-aggrandizing shallow little men (remember to follow @mkosin!), but I think its worth noting that there are also good, honest people on Twitter. People who care about family, country, and high-quality ground beef.

That's the Twitter feed I want to follow!

So that's it. The Greatest Story Ever Tweeted. You may be cynical, you may disagree, but I want you to know this: 

"Every time you Re-Tweet, an angel gets its wings"

"That's right....that's right!"