Sunday, January 23, 2011

BEAR DOWNER

I certainly have no intention of breaking down or reliving what happened at Soldier Field today. I'm done - I just want to be finished with it and not pick apart everything.

Until tomorrow, when I'll listen to my ESPN1000 app on my way to USC and read the Trib and Suntimes online and talk to all my friends and Facebook and Twitter.....

THEN, I'll be really done.

Anyway, there really isn't much I could put into words right now.

And since Lovie Smith has all the personality of a tree stump in December, I figured it'd be better to watch my own fictional post-game press conference cobbled together from other more..."expressive" coaches.....

Let the healing begin....





Sigh...wouldn't it be great if Lovie was like this?

"Talk to the trainer! Next question!"

DITKA

At least I can throw myself back to work, looking with hope and promise to my future in the entertainment industry, which is a wonderful recession-proof business that offers big income and returns for years to come!

What's that?

 

LA TIMES: "For Hollywood, it was a tough 2010"



Awwwwwwwww crap.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Cheese Expectations

This is better than the Olympics.

This is bigger than the Playoffs.

BEARS vs. PACKERS - the winner goes on to the SUPERBOWL? Are you kidding me?

The interesting thing is, from what I can gather from the news wire out here in LA, people - especially the dentally-challenged, corpulent, K-Mart-shopping citizens of Wisconsin known as Cheeseheads - seem to believe that the Bears have as good a chance to win this game as VHS tapes have of making a comeback.

Wonderful!


Anyone who's ever seen a Bears-Packers game know that the number one rule is that all bets are off. I've seen these teams fight each other as close as a Schick Quatro shave when the score should have been horribly lopsided. These teams battle and I will be amazed if this game doesn't come down to the last commercial break.

In any event, you may have heard that the City of Green Bay actually requires that fans first must fill out an application to ensure they are, indeed, "Cheesehead" material.

Was able to nab a copy off of the web - here it is:


Application to be a Packer Fan

APPLICATION TO BE A GREEN BAY PACKER FAN
NAME_________________________

CB HANDLE_______________

MOBILE HOME COLOR:
_____TWO-TONE, BROWN & WHITE
_____TWO-TONE, PINK & WHITE
_____FADED

NECK SHADE:
_____LIGHT RED
_____MED. RED
_____DARK RED

MODEL OF PICKUP TRUCK_____________
SIZE OF TIRES_______________

NUMBER OF TEETH EXPOSED (WITH FULL GRIN)
UPPER_____
LOWER_____

LENGTH OF RIGHT LEG_____
LENGTH OF LEFT LEG_____

NOTE: TO BE ACCEPTED YOU MUST BE HONEST AND YOU MUST BE ABLE TO CHECK AT LEAST 20 ITEMS FROM THE QUESTIONS BELOW.

YOU MAY CHECK MORE THAN ONE ITEM PER QUESTION.

1. I AM IN LOVE WITH:
_____ MY BROTHERS WIFE
_____ MOTHER-IN-LAW

2. MY FAVORITE MUSIC:
_____COUNTRY
_____WESTERN

3. MY FAVORITE MEAL:
_____HEAD CHEESE AND OLD STYLE
_____VENISON SAUSAGE AND OLD STYLE
_____CHEESE CURDS AND OLD STYLE
_____SEVEN COURSE DINNER (BRAT AND SIX PACK)

4. PREFERRED WEAPON:
_____12 GAUGE SHOTGUN
_____TIRE IRON
_____FOREHEAD
_____CHAIN SAW
_____ICE AUGER
_____BEER BOTTLE

5. PRIMARY AUTO:
_____’67 FORD GALAXY
_____’67 FORD GALAXY WITH TRANSMISSION
_____’67 FORD GALAXY WITH CHEVY TRANSMISSION
_____’67 FORD GALAXY WITH CHEVY TRANSMISSION AND ’71 BUICK ENGINE

6. I USUALLY GREET PEOPLE BY SAYING:_____”YA HEY DERE”
_____”DEM PACKERS IS PLAYING LIKE A BUNCH OF OLD WOMEN”
_____”DAY SHOULD TAKE DA WHOLE BUNCH A DEM MADISON LIBERALS AND JUST LINE ‘EM UP AND SHOOT ‘EM!”

7. I CAN COUNT TO:
_____TEN (10)
_____TWENTY (20) (WITH SHOES OFF)

8. PICK ONE:
_____SOMEONE IS HELPING ME READ THIS
_____SOMEONE IS READING THIS TO ME

9. FAVORITE READING:_____FISHING FACTS
_____BEER BOTTLE LABELS
_____GUNS & AMMO
_____TRACTOR MANUALS

10. THINGS IN MY FRONT YARD_____CAR ON BLOCKS
_____TRANSMISSIONS
_____VARIOUS KITCHEN APPLIANCES
_____DEER HANGING FROM TREE (IN SEASON)
_____DEER HANGING FROM TREE (OUT OF SEASON)

11. MY FAVORITE FEMALE IN THE WORLD IS:_____MY MOM
_____MY SISTER
_____BOTH, CAUSE I THINK MY SISTER IS MY MOM

12. I MOSTLY WEAR:
_____POLYESTER LEISURE SUITS
_____PACKERS BELT BUCKLE
_____PACKERS HAT

13. THE MOST MEMORABLE EVENT I EVER ATTENDED
_____MIOCQUA MOOSE CALLING COMPETITION
_____OMSGA OUTBOARD MOTOR REPAIR FINALS
_____LAKE TOMAHAWK CREW CUT CHAMPIONSHIPS
_____CARP QUEEN BEAUTY CONTEST
_____SPREAD EAGLE PROCTOLOGISTS CONVENTION

14. MY FAVORITE ENTERTAINMENT IS:_____DEER HUNTING WHILE DRINKING
_____WATCHING GREEN ACRES WHILE DRINKING
_____SNOWMOBILING WHILE DRINKING
_____ICE FISHING WHILE DRINKING

SIGNED BY: _____________________________
DATE: _______________________________


Fascinating stuff! Really offers insight into the fan culture.


GO BEARS.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

America Runs on Dunkin. UNLESS....

...you live in California.

Yep, just wanted to take a few minutes to share with you the terrifying secret that is so conveniently hidden by all your favorite TV shows that love to "glamorize" LA, such as Entourage, Access Hollywood and Yes, Dear.

Can't let that secret get out- would so many young starry-eyed hopefuls trek across the country to Cali if they knew they'd be going to a land without freshly baked (most of the time) donuts and coffee that is a couple of notches above gas station java? I THINK NOT.

It was strange and took a while to notice. First it was like, "I can't find a Dunkin Donuts". Then you start to realize that all the donuts shops in LA are these dirty, oddball non-chain donuts shops that have names that sound less like tasty breakfast stops and more like brands of baby food: Winchell's...Spudnuts.....Yum-Yum....?!





I mean, seriously, this is how I'm supposed to start my morning? While I'm not saying that DD is gourmet, there is a certain cache to that logo that spends so much time behind MVP Patriots QB Tom Brady.


Certainly, you'd never see those golden locks and devil-may-care smile standing in front of a backdrop advertising "Donut Star" at Pico and Sepulveda. F--- that.

Anyway, the first time I brought it up with other Midwest/ East Coasters minds were blown: it was like we were debating whether or not we were in the Matrix...."No man, there HAS to be a Dunkin Donuts somewhere..... that's just ....not POSSIBLE".

Oh, but it is.

After much searching and rumor-mongering- "I saw one over by the airport....I heard there's a few in Orange County...I was at one last Sunday!" -pathetic attempts by the weak to ignore the reality that lay in front of them- finally the cold truth came to light when multiple searches were conducted on the DD website store locator. *the multiple searches thing was ridiculous: do we really expect major flaws in the DD search engine? Like the system just "forgot" a state?

But after a while I uncovered a map that revealed the final word, and a few more truths about the great discrepancy of DDs in New England vs the Rest of the Country. Apparently if you say "P-ahk the c-ah" and drink too much, you nurse your hangovers with Dunkin.



The funny thing is I never thought Dunkin Donuts was all that special or delicious but it was just always there. I've realized now that DD fills a very important need of bridging the gap between hoity-toity lattes of Starbucks and the rock bottom swill from the Circle K. Its not the best way to start your morning, but a morning that starts with Dunkin can't be all that bad. I mean, if you had a Dunkin eclair or choco-sprinkles at 8am, you're not killing yourself at 9:30. Why would you? There's donuts!

But DD is not here anymore and I miss it. Its not up there with Portillo's or Gioradano's in terms of "Gotta Have It"-ness, but when I'm back in CHI and need a warm, comfortable, and economic way to start the day, you better believe that I'm gonna be running on Dunkin.

Monday, January 10, 2011

SEASON 7: The Final Chapter

So it may be because I'm becoming more and more like ABED from my new fave NBC show Community or because I want so desperately to find myself working in the wonderful world of television by year's end, but I have decided that the best way to begin looking back on my time here at USC as like a TV show.

No, I'm not crazy.

Its really reasonable when you think about it.

Each semester has really been its own "season", with characters and story arcs, a beginning, middle and end to each. There's been some cliffhanger endings, a few "twists", a fair share of good episodes (Remember the one when the gang went to Vegas?), and plenty of time on hiatus.

As with any TV show, the first few seasons were "the best" and fans will always look at seasons 1-3 as the only time the show was brilliant, but true fans of the show will know that the later seasons gave the writers a chance to further develop in-depth character arcs that really pushed the boundaries of the show.

There have been the same cast of characters for the most part, but a few new ones and a couple that left us all too soon. There's also been some notable guest stars. Critics still cry foul that the Emmys snubbed Derek Dion's guest spot in Season 2. Classic.

So here we are, the seventh and final season. Lots of questions to be answered, lots of storylines to wrap up, and -hopefully for fans -a few characters may come back.....who knows what surprises may lie ahead!

As far as a viewer/writer/producer for this show, I can't wait. There's a renewed energy to the show this season...the tired, uninspired writing of seasons 5 and 6 seem to be a distant memory now. The show is hoping to finish as strong as its started, no reason not to pull out all the stops, right?

Nobody wants to go down like LAW & ORDER and just abruptly end. I have a feeling that, like LOST, THE SOPRANOS, or THE WEST WING, the final season will really surprise people and keep interest right up until the end.

It. Had. Better.

...or else I'll go crazy by slowly losing touch with reality and slipping into a frightening abyss where there is no weather, only "The Weather channel", where Tivo sound effects pop up without a television in sight, where the real world and "The Real World" are indistinguishable from one another until the cops arrive at motel with a dead hooker floating face down in the pool while I get dragged away to Federal prison, clutching a bloodied remote control while screaming "I JUST WANTED TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL! I WANTED TO SEE IF CONAN WAS ON!"




Or...


maybe...


it's...


already...


begun.



[ pause ]



STAY TUNED!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

twentyeleven - The Year of WORK

Figure its about time to return from another of my famous, unannounced, mostly unnoticed, multi-week hiatuses. It is, after all, a NEW YEAR!!!

Woo! Woo...woo...

I love New Years. Always have. Always will.

Too much hype? YOU BET. Amateur hour? ABSOLUTELY. Do I usually end up cold, blacked-out, and ruining what used to be a really nice shirt? YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.

But I don't care. Its New Years. Its like the historical equivalent of Opening Day in baseball- how can you not be exicted?

In the spirit of reflection, I'm doing my traditional perspective of the new year, and I'm going to be honest: this one is not as sunny as years past. 

I had expectations for 2010. BIG ones. In fact, just last year I said "I think 2010 is going to be a BIG year". It ended up being....an okay year.

A big thing that I think happened with 2010 was I was riding off the amazing experience of shooting and posting my Coke commercial and had a little sense of "good things are going to happen". A belief that, like submitting for the commercial or even USC, I thought I could just do a little bit of work and would receive benefits ten-fold. Like Vegas or something.

A lot of my 2010 was focused on these "bets" - the Coke commercial, USC's Subway webisode contest, submitting my 30 Rock spec to the WB Writers' Workshop, and even submitting a hastily shot and even more hastily edited short film to Sundance.

And since I'm not currently posting Subway webisodes, in the Writers' Workshop, or going on shopping trips to determine which flannel shirt to wear down Sundance's snow-covered red carpet, you know that these things didn't pan out. I didn't win. No comped rooms at Ceasar's.

And that's fine because I ended up learning a few things in 2010. Things that apply to both succeeding in the film industry but also, I think, to succeeding in life in general. One thing especially - this is going to take WORK.

Not "work" like "I've gotta rush through this spreadsheet so that I can have it done by five to go grab a beer at Shenanigans with the gang"-work.

I'm talking about W O R K.

I mean real rolling up the sleeves, early morning, late night, coffee-drinking, greasy, grimy, sweaty, sun-burned, sweatshop, slave labor, pyramid-building, bloodied, bandaged,  weak-in-the-knees, "Tell the female supermodel Cubs fans at the bar who love Jameson and watching 'Bored to Death' that I can't come out tonight because I'm TOO BUSY"-style...


W O R K. 




Okay...that may be a bit excessive.

But not too much so. I had two classes this year where all we had were successful industry types coming in telling us how they got to where they were and they all had pretty much worked their asses off. Course, they were also smart and bold, but I've already got that covered....

But it became clear that success would not be found thinking of the industry like Vegas, where just a few smart bets could get you to easily win it all. No, the apt analogy would be to look roughly 30 miles east of Vegas to the HOOVER DAM.




Now, not the dam itself, but the tremendous amount of work, of planning and man-hours and labor and engineering that went into its construction. Real 1930s-style work. AMERICA'S WORK.

THAT is how I am approaching 2011. My slogan for this year is "WORK HARDER". I've got a lot to do now that my time at USC is coming to a close and I think there's a certain circle in hell (or in a film studies department at a liberal arts college) for anyone to get the chance and the education and the opportunity I got from USC and waste it because they weren't willing to WORK hard enough after getting out of school. F#*% that.

Just like Don Draper at the AMAZING end of Season 3 (which I finally finished) - "I want to WORK. I want to build something of my own."

And nobody is handing out contracts with Fox or free CAA-level representation at the corner of Sunset and Vermont (though there is a pretty good bar right near there) and that means that these things that I want I am going to have to go out and take for myself. By hook or by crook, hustling, crackin' necks and writing checks....etc.

I've got projects to edit, projects to finish, scripts to pitch, scripts to write, scripts to re-write, contacts to keep up with, networking to do, ideas to come up with and an M.F.A to get. Its gonna be a busy year.

A big part of that means working to stay current, relevant, and - mostly - entertaining on this blog. Got the web series website coming out any day now and this blog will be a big part of getting the word out. I also want to use this as a place to stay current on the rapidly shrinking 2,000 miles between Chicago and Hollywood.*


(*Actually wouldn't mind a little help with that- if you ever have any news stories relating Sweet Home Chicago and the smoggy Hills of Hollywood please email that to me and I'll try and post it asap.)

Now, I feel kinda hypocritical (what else is new?) since I just took some serious time off these past two weeks. But, I look at it like one big R&R recharge before storming the beaches of Santa Monica later this week to prep me to take this immensely challenging year on full steam. At least, that's what I've been telling myself while sleeping until 11:30 and drinking by 2pm while in Chicago.

BUT THAT'S ALMOST ALL OVER NOW.

So, my fellow blog-mericans: time to get pumped up and ready to work! How bout you do as I do and look at these pictures of people building the HOOVER DAM during the Great Depression while listening to THE NATIONAL ANTHEM (and I really recommend you wait til the last verse to get to the last pic...I dare you not be aroused, er, I mean..... ROUSED to WORK).









...


....


...


..


And if that didn't do it for you, watch this.




And if neither of those make you want to WORK, you are a lazy fuck.


Pardon my French.


God Bless America.